Empty
by phoenixreal
Summary: Canon Divergent. During his time without his powers, Ichigo suffers a traumatic event. The Fullbringer events do not help him, only make things worse. Now, with his power returned and going to Tokyo University, can he come back from the brink? Yaoi. WARN: NonCon, eating disorder. Shinji/Ichigo eventual pair.
1. Chapter 1

Song Inspiration: Jaiden & Boyinaband - Empty

Chapter One

The Incident

It started after he lost his powers. At least, what led to the incident was the depression that had set in after he lost his powers. Ichigo Kurosaki didn't tell anyone how he was feeling, mostly because he felt like he should be able to handle things on his own. He just took it and bottled it up and put it away. He'd stopped having motivation for much of anything, though. His grades became average, and he didn't put in any extra effort. He decided to stay away from Inoue, Ishida, and Chad. The memories were too painful and fresh there. They left him alone like he wanted. Unfortunately, this distance made his depression worse and he ended up doing _nothing._ He would spend hours sitting in his room staring out the window, sometimes imagining that he could see Rukia or Renji coming through to visit him.

Perhaps the first indications of how things were going to go started then. Ichigo began to have an odd relationship with food. He would eat, then afterward, he would just feel emptier than he began. He just felt hollow; as hollow as the Arrancar he'd fought. So, sometimes he would eat more to try and make the feeling go away. Instead, it did nothing. It was a numbness that had spread out through his life. He didn't talk to anyone, but he knew that his father probably realized something was going on. He had that confirmed the night _it_ happened.

"Son," Isshin said after putting away the dinner dishes that night. "We need to talk."

Ichigo looked up, curious as to what his father wanted to talk to him about, especially after both the girls were gone up to their room for the night. "Yeah?"

"You have been having a hard time," Isshin pointed out, looking at him sadly as he sat back down at the table.

"What do you mean? I'm fine," he said, trying not to let his face show the surprise he felt at being possibly found out.

Isshin just sighed. "Son, I've seen it. You aren't leaving the house. You barely leave your room, and you don't interact with your friends at all anymore."

Ichigo stared at him, not sure what to say in response to that. Everything was true, of course, so how could he deny it. "And?" he asked, deciding to take a bit of an attitude toward it in hopes his father would leave it alone.

"And it's not normal, son. You used to go out and do things. You used to go have fun with your friends. You're seventeen. You should be doing all sorts of things these days even if school isn't your priority. Are you depressed?" he asked, sighing. "It's okay if you are, that's okay. There's no reason to feel bad about it."

"Why do you say that? What do you think?" he snapped, starting to get scared that he would be found out for sure.

"You have lost more than most humans can ever understand. I know it is hard to go back to a normal life after having the powers of a Shinigami—"

"But you got yours back!" he said before he thought better of it. He gasped a little and looked away.

"Is that why you don't want to see Inoue and Chad? Is that why you won't answer Ishida's calls?" he asked.

Ichigo looked at his phone where it laid on the table as though it had betrayed him. "How would you know that?"

"I looked at the phone records. I'm sorry, but I wanted to know if you were communicating with anyone else and—"

"So, you just go and go through my phone records instead of just asking me?" he interrupted. It actually made him quite angry. "That's private! That's not your business!"

Isshin nodded. "I know, son, I shouldn't have done it, but you have to understand, I'm worried—"

"Worried? You are worried? Then why didn't you say something? Why didn't you come to me with it? Why couldn't you just _ask_ me like a normal person? What else have you been snooping around in my life about?" he picked up the phone and clutched it tightly in his hand.

"Nothing, son, I promise. I just looked at the phone rec—"

"That's enough!" Ichigo said, standing up. Isshin looked up at him. "I'm going out since you don't think I leave the house enough. Are you happy if I leave it now?"

"Son, no, please, don't leave like that. Don't leave angry," Isshin begged as he grabbed his light jacket off the coat hook by the door.

"Whatever, I'll be back," he said and slammed the door behind him, leaving Isshin looking after him.

He didn't know where he was walking; in fact, he didn't pay any attention whatsoever to where he was going. He was just angry, and for a few minutes, it felt _good_ because he was _feeling_ something other than numb. He stopped, looking up at the night sky and took a breath. But he couldn't stay mad. He knew he needed help because his father was right. He looked at his phone and thought about texting him. Telling him he was sorry he got so mad. He walked to a building and leaned against it, pulling up his dad's text messages.

 _I'm sorry I got so angry._

 _It's okay, son. It really is. Just come home and we'll talk about it._

He sighed. He nodded to himself and texted him again. _Alright. I'll be home soon. I'm coming back now._

He was about to leave when someone walked up beside him. He glanced over, thinking it was someone else on a late-night walk, but instead he saw the glint off the barrel of a silver gun. His eyes widened, and he looked up to see a guy with cropped black hair and beady black eyes. He was smiling. While Ichigo was looking at him, someone else came up beside him and grabbed his phone from his hand.

"Any good?" the first guy asked.

"Nah, generic phone, not worth shit," the other guy behind Ichigo said and he heard the sound of the phone being tossed to the ground.

"Money, friend," the first one said and waved the gun at him.

Ichigo could hear the blood rushing in his ears. "I don't…I don't have anything. I don't even have my wallet…"

He jerked as he felt the other guy patting his pockets. "He's telling the truth. Ain't got nothing."

"Well, you're a waste of time," the one in front of him said with a sigh.

"Look, I won't tell anyone about you if you just let me go," Ichigo said, starting to get annoyed at these guys. Who did they think they were, wannabe Yakuza?

"Ah, see, you've wasted our time. And you gotta pay for that, right Ogura?" the beady eyed one said.

"I don't understand. I don't have any money," Ichigo tried but jerked as he felt the other guy, this Ogura, grab his wrists. He pulled away from him.

"On no, don't be like that." He pressed the gun against Ichigo's chest and he heard the click of it cocking. "Let him."

If he wasn't out of practice, he might have been able to take them even with a gun, but the last two years had taken a physical toll on him. He was nowhere near "fighting shape" anymore. He knew his reflexes were good, but were they faster than a gun? While he was thinking, Ogura grabbed his hands again and he felt him wrap something around them and there was a zipping sound. Zip tie?

He shuddered as he felt the Ogura guy place his hands on his hips. "You promised the next one, Noda…"

"Yeah, come on, walk forward," Noda said and waved the gun at him.

"Where are we going?" Ichigo snapped, still pulling on the tie at his wrists.

Noda gave him a hard look before he flipped the gun around and smacked him across the face hard enough that he went to his knees.

"Shut up. You really think I won't shoot you here?" he asked. "Stand back up."

Ichigo felt his heart beating heavy in his chest. The guy was right. He knew their look, and now he knew their names. Somehow, he didn't think he was supposed to walk away from this encounter from the start. He managed to get to his feet, blood dripping down his face. He walked ahead of the two of them, being steered by the one called Ogura.

Now that he could see him, Ogura was shorter than him by several inches, and reed thin with messy black hair all over his head. He led him down to an alley between the buildings. He snorted.

"Good enough."

"Good enough for what?" Ichigo couldn't help but ask.

This time, he fell hard forward onto his knees as the other one smacked him in the back of the head with the pistol butt. Ogura yanked him to his feet once again and he stumbled a bit trying to get his bearings over the ringing in his head. He lost a few seconds until he was swung into the building wall.

"What the hell!" he exclaimed, his mouth working before his brain could tell him not to.

This time the hit sent him sprawling to the ground face first. He could taste blood after that. He heard Ogura snort.

"Don't kill him yet! I ain't a necrophile!"

"He's mouthy," Noda said and Ichigo heard a buzzing sound in his ears. That probably wasn't a good thing. His face felt like it was on fire already, and he knew he was going to have to get Inoue to help heal this up. If he managed to get out of there.

Ichigo's brain caught up with their words finally and he realized what he'd said. "Oh, no, shoot me now, you're not touching me!" he tried to pull away from him again only to be slammed back into the wall again with his face pressed against it.

"I'm gonna touch whatever I want, and you can't stop me. Then we're gonna put a bullet in your brain. You won't be around to tell anyone what happened here, and in the morning, some unlucky soul is going to find your body back here with the trash," Ogura snarled in his ear.

Noda sighed. "You're so dramatic, Ogura. I wasn't going to tell him we were going to kill him until _after_ you were done with him. Now you better gag him before he starts screaming and I do have to shoot him."

Ichigo gasped as he felt the pressure on his wrists from Ogura. He winced as he felt him take his shirt bottom and rip a piece of it off.

"This'll work," Ogura muttered and wrapped the shirt piece over his lips. He pulled it tight until it was cutting into both sides of his mouth and tied it behind his head. He growled against it and couldn't get much noise to come out. "Shut up or I'll have Noda put a bullet in your shoulder and we'll see how much you resist me, then."

"Go ahea!" Ichigo snapped back at him. "Is eh only ay I'll 'e till!"

"What the hell did he say?" Noda said with a snort.

"Don't know, don't care," Ogura said as he grabbed Ichigo by the back of the hair and slammed his head into the wall beside him.

"And you told me not to kill him," Noda said as Ichigo fell to his knees again, looking dazed.

"Yeah, well, you sad it. He's mouthy. Once more, then you should put a bullet in him," Ogura said as he leaned forward and grabbed the back of Ichigo's head again, now dripping with blood. "That ought to have rung his bell."

"If I shoot him, we'll take the chance of someone calling the police," Noda reminded him.

"Around here? I doubt it," Ogura said and threw Ichigo forward to fall over with his face down.

Ichigo could barely hear them, his head was ringing so much. He panted and realized that he was breathing against the ground. It smelled funny, he thought. Not really bad, but definitely had a smell. He was contemplating the strange scent when he felt Ogura's hands around the front of his pants. That was enough to set him to fully awake again. He slammed his head back, cracking into Ogura's nose hard enough to hear a snap.

There was a moment when he was up on his knees staring at Noda, a little shocked at the yelp of pain coming from behind him.

"Shoot him!"

He didn't have time to do anything before his shoulder and arm exploded in pain with perhaps the loudest sound he'd ever heard. He gasped, feeling the bullet tear through flesh and muscle. He had been hurt a lot in his fights with Soul Society, but this was a new kind of pain. He bit down hard on the gag in his mouth, already feeling that it was soaked with spit. He winced as he felt his head wrenched back painfully.

"You're really going to regret that before you die," Ogura hissed in his ear as his ears finally stopped ringing so much. "You broke my fucking nose, you bastard. I'm going to hurt you for that."

Ichigo swallowed, feeling nothing but pain radiating through his shoulder so much it was eclipsing the pain in his throbbing head. He felt tears running down his cheeks from the pain and couldn't stop them. Ogura threw his head forward again, and he couldn't catch himself, so he fell flat, right onto the wounded shoulder. He made a pained sound as that side ground into the concrete. He could barely breathe anymore.

"Bastard had to make this difficult," Ogura said, reaching out and yanking the back of Ichigo's pants down, bursting the button and the zipper in the front.

The next few minutes lasted somewhere between seconds and an eternity. He had no concept of time, just a renewed definition of pain once more. He couldn't distance himself no matter how hard he tried. He was going to die here in this alley and it was all his fault; everything that happened was on him. He heard sobbing and realized it was him no matter how much he wanted to stay quiet. He didn't want to give them what they wanted.

Finally, after a flash through forever, Ogura pushed him down to the ground. "Alright, I've had my fun. You can kill him—"

The sudden call of "Freeze" from somewhere nearby made Ichigo's heart leap. He was saved? The police had come? He turned his head to the side and saw Noda pointing the gun at the police officer. He couldn't keep his mind on what was happening. He had no clue, but someone was touching him, and he jerked away from whoever they were.

"Just stay calm, the ambulance is coming," he heard a man say. "I'll cut your hands free, just a second."

Then there was feeling rushing to his hands as soon as the tight plastic was cut off him. He tried to sit up, but the police officer kept telling him to stay still and wait for the paramedics. He was having a battle for consciousness at the moment, though, and after fighting it for a few minutes, he succumbed to the blackness, hearing vaguely the frantic sounding voice of the officer.

The next thing he knew he was waking up in a dark room. He blinked and turned his head to either side and felt a flush of dizziness go over him. He had a headache, but it was dull, like he was drugged. He couldn't feel his shoulder at all.

"Oh, you're awake," he heard and saw a nurse come in and turn on the lamp beside the bed. "You've been out a couple days. You're very lucky. That concussion you had was pretty bad."

"Lucky?" he echoed. He was lucky? How could she say he was lucky? His memory was quite clear about what had happened, and he wouldn't call it lucky.

He couldn't go back to sleep after she left. He just stared at the ceiling and listened to the heart monitor and the IV machine that was giving him drugs to keep the pain at bay. Lucky?

He spent a couple weeks in the hospital. His father and sisters came and saw him frequently, and even Uryū and Chad came by to see him. He didn't have a lot to say, and honestly, he didn't know what to say. They sent police officers to talk to him and he told them all he remembered was getting shot, then everything went blank. It was a lie. He vividly remembered everything that happened, but he didn't want to talk about it with anyone. His father tried to talk to him once about the incident. That was what he called it in his mind: the incident. He refused to even come close to talking about it, sticking with the story that he couldn't remember anything. He didn't think the psychiatrist that came to visit him believed him, though. Instead, they ended up talking about his depression and what they could do to help that since it was a problem.

No one blamed him, except himself. The two men were locked up, and the evidence they had collected was enough to keep them that way. Noda had turned on Ogura, so he could get a lighter sentence. Instead of attempted murder, they charged him with aggravated assault. Ogura eventually plead guilty to the assault and rape charge. He had little choice if he wanted to get out of jail before he was an old man. As it was, with Noda testifying against his partner, things didn't look good for him.

Ichigo took in all the information with a blank stare at his father. He didn't want to talk about it, even to hear about the charges they had against them. He was just happy with them plea bargaining that he wouldn't have to go before a bunch of people and tell them what happened. He didn't think he could do that.

He went home after the two weeks had passed and had Inoue come help heal his shoulder and his head the rest of the way. It was a relief to feel her unique magic happen again. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed it. He started on an antidepressant like the doctor at the hospital wanted him to do, and things returned to normal—for a while.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Events of the Fullbringer Arc

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo sat on the bed and stared at the new shihakuso that he was wearing. It was really back. All of it was really back. He flexed his hand thoughtfully and closed his eyes, sensing the spirits. Ojjisan and Shiro, as he'd dubbed the hollow version of himself, were there again. It was wonderful. He had never felt happier about something in his life. But even though he _should_ have been ecstatic over the fact he was a Shinigami again, he still felt that heaviness that had become so familiar to him over the last couple years.

He laid back down in his body and sat up once again. He felt a little light headed once he was in his human body, but he remembered he hadn't eaten yet today. He glanced at the clock, seeing that it was almost dinnertime. He sighed, wondering how long he could keep fooling them. He wondered how long until they noticed he never came down to eat during the day.

He made his way down the stairs and smiled and laughed with his sisters and his father. They couldn't see the truth; he wouldn't let them see the truth. He wouldn't let them in to see the nightmares that he still lived with. Things had been relatively stable when he was occupied with Xcution and the Fullbringers, but he had something else to keep his mind off the things that ate at his stomach and kept him from _wanting_ too eat anything.

Unfortunately, in the end, nothing had been in his control. He was nothing but a pawn in other people's games, yet again. The Fullbringers didn't want _him._ They wanted his power. Soul Society didn't want _him_ , they wanted what he could do for them. He sighed, putting the thoughts out of his head. He had control over his life now, that was what mattered. Soon, he'd be going to the university, and then he wouldn't have to worry about anyone else telling him what to do and what not to do.

He went back up to his room after dinner and laid down to go to sleep. That night, he would be visited by dreams of that night. Fear, disgust, self-loathing, they all came out in the dreams. He couldn't stay asleep all night because of them. Instead he ended up getting out of bed and sitting on the floor by the bed around three am. He felt the familiar sensation of his stomach recoiling, so he rushed to the bathroom just in time to make it to the toilet before he emptied his stomach of what little he ate at dinner. He was vaguely glad that he had used the excuse he'd eaten while everyone was out of the house.

He got in the shower, just to have something to do, really. As he stood in the water, he placed his hands on his stomach. The pudginess that he'd acquired from not doing much over the last couple years was going away, finally. He'd worked so hard at it while he was with the Fullbringers. He'd been able to get back into shape with a little work. It was worth it, though. He could tell. But it still wasn't good enough yet. His spiritual body would reflect his human body after all. So, even as a Shinigami, he had to keep working toward it. He wasn't clear what "it" was, though. It was a destination he had no idea how he was going to get to.

It became normal for him. Time passed, as it does, and he was set to go to Tokyo for University. He had a dorm room with a roommate who seemed wrapped up in his own life. That was good, the less people nosing in his life, the better. He spent most his off time in the dorm, studying for classes. He was going to do well, at least. But he was so tired most the time. He often found himself falling asleep when he shouldn't be.

He told himself that as long as he ate once a day, it was enough for him. He could control when and what he ate, even if he couldn't control anything else. He got to a point that hunger became something he just ignored. He tried to eat early in the day because he often found himself throwing up during the night when the nightmares visited him. They were often different each night and about different memories. Sometimes, he remembered fights that he'd been in, only in his dreams, he lost the fight and was humiliated. Sometimes, everything was dark, and all he felt was fear.

His roommate, Jou Sakata, often asked if he was alright. Ichigo would tell him he was fine, of course he was fine. Sakata acted like he didn't quite believe him, though, and Ichigo couldn't blame him. No matter how quiet he was when he got up during the night, he still disturbed him now and again. He told Sakata that he had stomach problems and that was why he had to get up so often during the night.

A holiday came around, and his father expected him to come home for it. He had to keep up appearances, so he agreed to come home on the train. When he got there, his father stared at him for a moment before he spoke.

"Aren't you hot, son? You're in layers," he asked as he sat down at the dining room table.

"Just a little cold in here," he said as he sat down across from him.

"How's school been going?" Isshin asked, smiling at him.

Ichigo stifled a yawn and smiled at his father. "Good. So far, I've been keeping up with everything. It's been good."

"Are you sure you're feeling alright? You look rather drawn in the face," Isshin pointed out.

"I'm sure," he said, glaring at his father. "But it's late. I'm going to go on to bed. I'm sure the girls are already asleep." He stood up from the table. "I had a long trip to get back."

"Do you want something to eat before you go to bed?" Isshin asked and stood up to gesture at the kitchen. "There's leftovers from dinner."

"Ah, no, I'm just going to sleep. I don't need anything," he said and headed up to his room with his backpack.

He didn't see his father sit back down slowly and look after him for a long time. He got into the bedroom and leaned against the back of the door, heart beating a little faster than he would have liked. He pulled off the hoodie he was wearing over his t-shirt and shivered. Why was it so cold all the time? He decided to just cover up in the bed and hope he could sleep.

Unfortunately, he woke up at around four in the morning, rushing to the bathroom. He sat on the floor, holding his head, stomach roiling in response from the vivid dream that brought him from sleep. He sighed, flushing the toilet.

"Son?" he heard and looked up at the door in surprise.

"Uh, yeah?" he answered tentatively.

"Are you okay?" Isshin asked.

"Yeah, just a little travel sick," he said, standing up and opening the door to look at his father.

Isshin looked at him with a frown. "Are you sure?"

"Um, yeah, I'm fine," he tried, but his father obviously didn't believe him.

"Son, what's going on? Please, talk to me. You've lost weight since you left, and you haven't called from school at all. I'm worried about you. Are you still taking your medication?" He obviously wasn't going to move until Ichigo gave him an answer he wanted.

"Yes, Pop. I'm still taking it. Nothing's wrong, really." He couldn't look him in the eye though.

"If you won't talk to me, who will you talk to?" he asked, ignoring his attempt to say nothing was wrong.

Ichigo looked up at him and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't know."

"Please, son, let me help you. Whatever it is, we can handle it together. You don't have to do this alone," Isshin stepped out of front of the door, though.

"Look, there's nothing you or anyone else can do. It's my problem; I'll deal with it." He walked out past him and into his room without another word.

Isshin stood there in the hall and wondered what was going on with his son. He knew that he'd never gotten a chance to recover fully after The Incident as he called it. The mess with the Fullbringers had come up too soon afterward. If it hadn't been for Inoue, he would have been out of commission for months, but instead, as soon as she healed him, he started going to the local gym, saying he needed to do something again. At the time, he thought it was a good thing. He thought that he was getting over the depression after starting the medication. But now he wasn't so sure.

He went back to his room and picked up his phone, wondering who he could call. Who would Ichigo talk to? He already knew he wouldn't talk to Tatsuki or Inoue. He'd ignored them, as well as Uryū and Chad before. He obviously wasn't talking to anyone at the school. He was having nightmares or flashbacks and throwing up in the middle of the night and acting like it was nothing. How long had that been happening? He squeezed the phone and dialed the only one he could think of.

"It's far too early to be calling people, Kurosaki-san…" came Urahara's voice, sounding like he'd woken the other Shinigami up.

"I needed to talk to you about Ichigo," he said softly, trying not to be too loud in case his son was still awake and might overhear him.

There was a pause as Urahara seemed to be adjusting himself. "Of course. What is it?"

"I think, no I know, he's not doing well. He came home from school for the holiday and he looks… well, he looks bad. He's lost weight when he really didn't have any to lose, and he's having dreams that wake him in the night. He won't talk to me, and says that it's his problem."

"So, you want to know if he'll talk to one of us?" Urahara's question was more a statement.

"Basically. He needs to talk to someone, and that someone isn't me as much as I wish it was. You know what happened to him before the Fullbringers came into his life. I had hoped that with all that, he would feel better at least. But instead, I think it only made things worse." Isshin paused, taking a deep breath. "I had wanted to believe that the answer to all his problems was getting his powers back again, since that caused the depression to start with."

"But that's not the case," Urahara stated. "You have to remember what he's been through over the last few years. He was fifteen when he got pulled into Shinigami affairs. He was still a child. Then he was barely seventeen when he was attacked that night." Urahara's voice was somewhat mournful at that thought. "And now, after all the things that happened with the Fullbringers, and them betraying his trust, as well as finding out that Soul Society had been spying on him… He may be eighteen now, but he's gone through far more than some people go through in an entire lifetime."

Isshin was silent because of course it was all true. "I don't know what to do, Kisuke."

"I'll talk to Yoruichi. Maybe she can try to talk to him. I don't know if it will help, but the only people I can think of would be her or Shinji."

"Shinji?" he asked.

"He is more like Shinji as a Vizard than he is any other Shinigami, after all. He can understand some of what he's going through that has to do with his powers."

Nodding, Isshin sighed. "Yeah, I can't think of anyone else he might be willing to talk to. I already know he won't talk to his human friends, and I don't know if Rukia or Renji might be of any help."

"I'll send word to them and have them come surprise Ichigo with a visit. It may help to see them," Urahara said and Isshin heard him yawn. "Of course, I'll do this once the light of day is here. For now, you should sleep as well, Kurosaki-san. Let me worry a little on Kurosaki-kun."

"Thank you," Isshin said as he clicked off the phone.

He sat still for a long time, until the light of dawn began to filter in through the windows. Would Urahara be able to help? Would Rukia or Renji? Would anyone?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Investigating

Urahara sat and stared at the phone, wondering if he should try calling Ichigo's human friends or not. He decided that he would call Uryū. Perhaps he could offer some insight into what was going on with him.

"Urahara?" Uryū asked as he answered the phone. "I haven't heard from you in a while."

"Yes, I know I haven't talked with you in quite some time. I was calling to ask if you've had anything to do with Ichigo lately?" Urahara asked, trying to sound light.

"Oh, um, no, not really. I last saw him before he went to Tokyo," Uryū answered. "I don't think I've talked to him since long before then. Last I heard, he was doing fine, though. Did something happen?"

"Kurosaki-san called a bit worried over him. He's come home for the holiday and seems to be out of sorts," Urahara explained. He looked up to see Yoruichi come into the shoten. He waved her to sit down and wait. She settled down beside him and waited.

"Um, well, I can try to call him. He usually doesn't answer when I call, though. Maybe I can text him or something," Uryū said and sighed. "I'll see what I can do."

"Alright, thank you Uryū," he said and clicked off the call.

"Something with Ichigo?" Yoruichi asked, frowning at him.

"Yes, it seems that he's not doing well. His father says that he's lost weight and is having nightmares," Urahara explained.

"I'm surprised this is just now coming up," she said with an arched brow. "I mean, it's been over a year since he was attacked. Did Uryū and the others know anything about that?"

Urahara shook his head. "No, we kept that between us. We didn't think Ichigo would want anyone else to know about it. Orihime knew he got shot in the shoulder, and he had a concussion because she healed that for him. So, I'm sure she told Chad and Uryū about it. They just don't know all the details."

"Kurosaki-san wants us to talk to him," she observed.

"He seems to think that we might have better luck. He will not talk to Isshin."

"I can try, but I'm unsure if he will even talk to us either," she responded.

"I suggested Shinji," Urahara said slowly.

"You think maybe since he has the bond of being a vizard it might help?" Yoruichi said, looking out across the front of the shoten.

"Perhaps. But first I will try. Perhaps he will see me as someone to confide in. We can only hope that he chooses someone. He is far too young to be dealing with as much as he has to," Urahara commented, standing. "I'll seek him out and see what response I get from him."

He stood and headed out to see if he couldn't find out what was going on. He found his way to Ichigo's reiatsu easily enough. That much hadn't changed; he could never hide his own spiritual energy. He was standing outside the soccer field watching his sister play. He wasn't paying any attention to anything, though, not even the practice going on in front of him.

Urahara approached, not masking his presence, and approached him.

"Ichigo?" he asked.

He jerked, seemingly surprised by his approach, and Urahara immediately saw the change in his face. He didn't let it affect his attitude, though. "Kurosaki-kun, I thought I might find you here…"

"He called you, didn't he?" Ichigo said simply.

"What makes you think—" Urahara started.

"Don't. Just don't. He seems to think that I need to talk to someone and that's not the case. Just go on back to whatever you were doing and let me be. I'm fine, there's nothing wrong, just leave me alone," he said and looked away from him.

Urahara was silent for a moment. "Ichigo. You can't keep everything bottled up inside. It will do you no favors," he pointed out.

"I don't care. I don't need to talk to anyone," he said and still refused to look at him.

"Alright. I just want you to know that there are people you can talk to, you know. Rukia, Renji…" he started.

"It's not their business what happens to me," he stated. "This has nothing to do with Shinigami, so you don't have to worry. This is just something for me to work through on my own."

Urahara nodded and withdrew. This was going to be more complicated than he thought. He made his way back to the shoten to find Yoruichi curled up in her cat form on the rug. He gave her a cursory rub. He rummaged around in the drawer until he came across the communications device he had given Shinji the second half of. He made the connection and heard Shinji's voice.

"Urahara?" he asked. "What do you need?"

"I need to talk to you. Do you have time to come by?" he asked.

There was a long pause. "I can. I wanted to check in with Hiyori anyway. Is it something important?" he asked.

"It's a small issue with Ichigo," he explained.

Again, a pause. This time it was shorter. "Alright. I'll be there soon."

Urahara put down his device and sighed. Would Shinji have any luck? Would anyone?

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Shinji was curious now as to why Urahara was summoning him. It was unusual. Since he'd come back to Soul Society, things had been stable for the most part. Now there was a problem with Ichigo? He sighed and wondered if Renji or Rukia would know anything about what was going on. He made his way toward the sixth to see if he could find anything out about the situation. It had to be something extreme, though. Otherwise, why would Urahara contact _him_ of all people?

He got to the office and rapped on the door. "Enter," came Byakuya's voice.

"Can I borrow Abarai-fukutaichou?" he asked as he opened the door.

Byakuya looked at him curiously. "Of course," he said and nodded to Renji.

Renji came to the door and followed Shinji to a small room off to the side.

"Is there something wrong, Hirako-taichou?" Renji asked, looking a bit confused.

"Not with Soul Society. I got a communication from Urahara today saying there was an issue with Ichigo, and I wanted to know if you knew anything about it," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Renji frowned. "I don't know of anything. I haven't actually seen him since the mess with the Fullbringers. Rukia and I checked in on him after that, but we've been sorta busy here. What's goin' on?"

Shinji shook his head. "I don't know, but something that was enough for Urahara to call on me. I figured I'd ask ya first, though."

"Maybe I should talk to Rukia and see about going to visit him again if we can," Renji said slowly.

"That might be a good idea. I don't know; I'll get the details from Urahara when I go in a couple days. I can't leave today, though, but if ya find anything out, come tell me, yeah?" Shinji asked with a sigh.

"Yeah, you got it. I'll see what I can do." Renji turned and went out of the room to go back to the office with Byakuya.

So, it was nothing that Renji and Rukia were aware of. That severely limited the things that could be going on. He shook his head. He'd have to find out when he went to the World of the Living.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo sat on the bed and leaned back against the wall. He hadn't come out of his room today yet. He didn't really have any plans to leave his room today at all. In fact, he'd been sitting on the bed staring at the ceiling since last night when he woke up from another of the dreams that haunted him. It was disturbing how his mind twisted events that had happened to make them echo The Incident. His hand went to his shoulder where there was of course no scar thanks to Orihime's healing powers. She didn't know what happened. He'd told her he got jumped and they wanted money that he didn't have. That's all she knew. He swallowed thickly again, still feeling like he wasn't a part of his body at all right then. He was sure whatever this feeling was, it had a name, and a therapist could help him figure it out. If he would just take the step to go see someone, maybe he could stop it.

He sighed. He had no motivation to do so, though. What did it matter at all? His situation would not change in the least. Telling some stranger about The Incident was the last thing he wanted to do. Telling anyone about The Incident was the last thing he wanted to do. But how long was he going to be able to put up with the constant loss of sleep? He was tired all the time. It was a bone deep thing, and no matter if he was in his human body or in his soul form, it remained with him. He didn't know what to do to make the nightmares go away and stop them from making him ill.

He heard a soft knocking and looked up to see Rukia stepping down from the window.

"Ichigo!" she said with a grin. "Long time no see," she said and then just kind of stared at him.

"Oh, hey," he said, putting a smile on his face, but even to him it felt fake. "What's going on?"

"Just was visiting the World of the Living and thought I'd come see how you were. I haven't seen you since you started going to the University," she said and sat down beside him on the bed.

He didn't move, just pulled his legs to his chest and nodded at her. "Yeah, been busy with school stuff, you know," he said. "Just here while we're on holiday. Pop insisted I come for a visit. I could have just stayed in the dorm, it's no big deal."

"You look tired," she commented, tilting her head to the side and looking at him curiously.

"Ah, just didn't sleep well," he said, trying to smile again.

Rukia's brows knitted together and it was obvious she was suspicious of what he said. He cleared his throat. "Ah, how is everything in Soul Society?"

"We're all fine. Things have been going well, no real problems," she said and nodded. "I was just wondering how you were and I heard that you were in Karakura."

Ichigo frowned. "How did you find that out? I haven't talked to anyone in Soul Society lately."

"Ah, Renji told me," she explained.

"But how did he even know?" he asked, wondering how word would have gotten there that he was even in town. Unless Urahara…

Ichigo sighed. "Did Urahara say something?"

"Why would you say that?" she asked, frowning at him.

"Look, all of you need to stay out of my business. It's mine, not yours, and I'm already getting tired of everyone trying to get involved in something that doesn't involve them." He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I can handle things on my own."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Renji just said you were in Karakura." She looked genuinely confused as to what he was talking about. Maybe Urahara hadn't contacted her after all.

"Well, anyway, I don't need anyone to be meddling in things," he said and tucked his chin into his knees.

"Ichigo, why would anyone try to get involved in your business?" she asked.

"Just don't worry about it, and we'll be fine. I already told my meddling father to back off, and Urahara too. I'm fine and dealing with everything just _fine._ " He was so far from fine it wasn't even funny, though. He knew anyone could see that just by looking at him if his father noticed it already.

"If you say so," she said but looked unsure. "I guess I'll head back. I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing."

"I'm good. It was nice to see you again," he said, trying to give her another smile and not succeeding very well.

"Yeah, see you soon," she said as she got up and disappeared through the window again.

Ichigo sighed, burying his face in his knees and breathing heavily for a minute. How long could he keep this up? He didn't know but he had to keep the illusion that he was fine up. He couldn't let anyone know how much he was suffering in his own mind. He should be able to take care of it himself; he should be able to overcome something so stupid. He realized his knees were wet and he lifted his head to wipe away the tears of frustration that were leaking from his eyes.

"Ichigo?" he heard Yuzu's voice from outside his door.

"Yeah?" he asked, knowing that she was calling him to eat again.

"I have lunch ready, are you coming down? You didn't come down for breakfast," she said and he sighed. He had to pretend. Even if everything was messed up, he had to pretend it was fine, especially for his sisters.

"I'll be down," he said an unfolded himself from the bed slowly. As he got to his feet, a rush of dizziness nearly sent him to his knees. He reached for the wall and held on for a second until it passed.

He headed down and smiled for Karin and Yuzu. He made small conversations with them, mostly talking about their school and what they had been doing. His father was over at the clinic right then, so he'd have to eat lunch when he got a chance. Ichigo was kind of glad he wasn't around right then. He'd had enough from Rukia's visit. He played with his food more than ate it, but his sisters didn't seem to notice. He drank several glasses of water, though, a trick he found worked to fill him up without eating that much.

"Are you doing anything today, Anaki?" Yuzu asked as she started clearing the plates. Ichigo made sure to clean his off in the trash before he gave it to her.

"I was thinking of going down to the gym for a while," he said, thinking he'd been idle for a couple days already.

"Are you sure? You look a little tired today, Anaki?" Yuzu continued.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just didn't sleep well, gotta get used to the bed again, you know," he said and headed to the door. Before he got there, Karin stopped him.

"Ichigo, are you sure you're alright? You don't look well. You're pale," she asked with concern.

Ichigo smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine, I promise," he said and left, leaving her watching after him.

He spent the next three hours in the gym, pushing himself beyond the point he was exhausted. He had to keep going, though. He couldn't ever become weak again like he had been, and that meant working at it. It was the only way to keep the thoughts at bay. He would stop, and in his mind, he would start questioning why he was working so hard. What did it matter, in the end? Was anything really worth it in the end?

He thought maybe exhausting himself would keep the dreams away for the night. Anything was worth trying, he figured. As he was walking home, he sensed he wasn't alone. Immediately, he was on alert, heart beating faster in his chest.

"Ya look like shit, Ichigo," he heard. He glanced upward to see Shinji standing on the limb of a tree looking down at him.

"What is this, everyone from Soul Society show up and bother me day?" he asked and continued walking. "Let me guess, Urahara."

Shinji easily caught up to him and got into step beside him, hands in his pockets as he walked. "He just said something was going on with ya, and I decided to come check it out for myself."

"There's nothing going on. You can leave. Bye." He waved his hand dismissively at him.

"I've been following you since ya left yer house and ya just not noticed me," he commented.

Ichigo stopped and turned to look at him. "Well, I wasn't expecting anyone from Soul Society."

Shinji narrowed his eyes at him, staring at him. "Who were ya expectin'?"

"No one!" he snapped and turned to walk away.

Shinji's hand snapped out and snatched him by the arm, pulling him back. "What are you doin' to yerself, Ichigo?"

Ichigo shook his hand off his arm and growled. "Nothing! None of your concern anyway!"

"Don't give me that shit. Ya spent way too much time in that gym tonight. Yer pushin' yerself too hard for some reason, and I gotta wonder what it is," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're thinner than you were, too. What's going on, really?"

"I'm sure Urahara and my father have told you everything they think is wrong with me, so why do I have to say anything?" he said angrily and looked away.

"I ain't talked to either of 'em. I'm talkin' to you, now," Shinji's gaze was penetrating and at the same time somewhat comforting. "I'm goin' off what I've seen today fer myself."

"Well, you can go off back home, it's not like you live here anymore," he said a little bitterly.

Shinji quirked a brow. "Yeah, but I spent the last hundred years living here. I didn't just leave it behind, ya know. It became a home, and there are people I miss."

"You get to be a captain again, Hirako-taichou, so go do your job," Ichigo waved a hand at him again.

"Look, I came here ta talk to ya, and that's what I'm gonna do before I leave again," he said, glaring at Ichigo harshly in the setting sun.

"But that's the thing, you'll leave again, isn't it now? That's what everyone does, they leave again, and no one stays where they're supposed to be. Just when I get used to things, they change again, and I have to figure out a new way to live all over again!" Ichigo couldn't help it. The last few years had been nothing but change for him. He was given power, had it taken away, got it back again, then gave it up by choice, then gained a new power that was stolen from him, only to come back around and regain the power he thought he'd lost forever.

Shinji didn't say anything for a moment. "Ichigo. You're coming apart at the seams. Even I can see it right now. Why? What is it? Is it just the changes that got ya feeling out of sorts, or is there—"

"Nothing you need to know about!" Ichigo nearly yelled at him suddenly.

"So, there is something." Shinji wasn't asking, only confirming what he thought.

"Look, I don't want to talk about it. It's not anyone's business but my own. I'll deal with it, on my own," he said and looked away from him and down to the side.

"Ichigo, yer not dealing with whatever this is. Working yourself to death at the gym isn't going to keep away whatever demons ya got that are chasin' ya. I know being different is hard—"

"Being different? Is that what you think this is about? That I feel different and like a freak even among the Shinigami that I consider my friends now?" he said before he thought more of it.

Shinji let out a slow breath. "It ain't easy being a vizard among normal Shinigami. You know I understand that. But that ain't all of it, is it?"

"You wouldn't understand," he said finally, not looking at him. "No one can understand."

"Try me. Start at the end and go to the beginning if ya have to. Remember, I'm usta doin' things in reverse," he said with a smirk.

Ichigo snorted a little and returned the slight smile. "I know," he said and looked around, crossing his arms over his chest.

"So, whaddaya say? It ain't like I'm gonna tell anyone else. Got no reason to. I ain't doin' this cuz anyone asked me to, I'm doin' it cuz I wanna." Shinji stepped toward him and put a hand on his shoulder, making a slight face as he felt Ichigo's collar bone and shoulder blade easily.

Swallowing hard, Ichigo looked up at him. "I don't know if I can tell you anything, Shinji. I don't know if I can make the words come out right."

"How about why yer puttin' yerself through so much at that gym? In your human body, no less?" Shinji asked.

"It's just…I don't want to be weak. I can't be weak again."

"Again?" Shinji echoed. "When were you weak?"

Ichigo started to say something but a wave a dizziness came over him and the world started fading at the edges of his vision. He reached out and found Shinji had caught him. He vaguely heard Shinji's voice talking to him, but it faded out quickly.

When he opened his eyes again, he was staring at the ceiling of his room. He groaned and sat up, holding his head a little. He blinked and saw that Shinji was leaning against the door. He came over and sat down on the end of the bed and put a hand on Ichigo's leg.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, what happened?" he asked, rubbing his temples.

"You passed out. Probably because you overdid it. Or because you aren't eating enough. I don't know much about human bodies, but I do know when one looks too damn thin," he said with a serious look on his face. "What are you really doing?"

Ichigo pushed both hands through his hair and shook his head. "I dunno. I don't, not anymore. It…it started when I lost my powers. All of this, when I gave them up, it was like I had a hole inside me and I needed to fill it with something. It was like everything I was got ripped away from me with no way back. I gave it up, just for one shot at defeating Aizen and it _worked_. I did something, sacrificed a piece of myself. I gave everyone up, just like that."

Shinji didn't say anything, just listened as tears came to Ichigo's eyes. "And all that I gave up, I knew I was giving it up, you know? So, why did it feel so bad afterward? I did something good, I should have felt good, and I didn't. I felt… hollowed out. And I just didn't care anymore, I still don't and I have it back. Something's wrong with me. I should be happy. I should be ecstatic, but I keep thinking of The Incident and it makes everything wrong…"

"The Incident?" Shinji asked.

"Uh uh. I can't talk about The Incident. No, I won't talk about that. I can't. I was weak and I let it happen!" he exclaimed.

"What did you let happen, Ichigo?" Shinji asked.

Ichigo covered his face with both hands. "I don't wanna talk about that."

"I can't help you if I don't know, Ichigo," Shinji said gently.

Barely audible behind his hands, Ichigo's voice was shaky when he spoke. "I was stupid. So stupid. I didn't do anything, had been trying to eat to fill the void, you know, and I just didn't want to do anything so I didn't. I didn't leave the house. I didn't go to the gym. I just sat here and did nothing. I was so stupid for being like that, but it felt like doing anything took all my energy and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. So, I didn't."

He moved his hands and pulled his knees up to his chest, looping his arms around them. "I should have known. I shouldn't have left that night. I shouldn't have gone out there. I couldn't defend myself anymore, I was out of practice, out of shape. Two years of not doing anything, it makes a difference, you know. I couldn't run before they pulled a gun on me. I knew I couldn't beat a bullet, and they tied my hands behind me with a zip tie. I'll never forget the sound of it zipping." He stopped, staring straight ahead.

"What happened, Ichigo?" Shinji asked.

"I g-got shot. And a bad concussion because I wouldn't do what they said. And I broke the guy's nose, so he got mad." His eyes had gone a bit glassy and Shinji could see that his breathing was faster. "Th-the guy I broke his nose, he was the one. He did it, the other guy just shot me. I couldn't fight like that, could I? I had my hands tied and he'd shot me in the shoulder. But I should have fought harder, I should have stopped it from happening. I should have been stronger and not let it happen. It shouldn't have happened to me. It shouldn't have happened at all… How could I let someone do that? How could I let it happen? What…what could I have done to stop him? There had to be something I missed!"

Shinji moved closer to him, already figuring out what had happened. He reached out and took his hands in his.

"Ichigo. You did everything you could. I know that," he said softly.

"No, you weren't there! If it were anyone else, they would have gotten away, something! You would have gotten away from him! Anyone would have except me! I let it happen and I can't ever be that weak again. I can't ever feel that way again. I can't be that person that let it happen! I didn't have my powers, but I still should have stopped him!" he said, hands shaking in Shinji's grip.

"Think about it, Ichigo. You were in a bad place. They had a gun and you were alone. You didn't have your powers anymore, Ichigo, you were only human. Human. You couldn't get away from them, but you did what you could. You did. You even broke his nose, Ichigo, ya did that with yer hands bound. They beat ya senseless and then shot you. What else could you have possibly done to stop them?" Shinji asked, gripping his hands tightly in his own.

"I don't know, I don't know, there had to be something!" Ichigo exclaimed and tears finally spilled over from his eyes. "I was too weak! I let things go, and I could have stopped them if I had been better. If I hadn't let things go so much!"

"No, you couldn't, Ichigo. You've gotta stop this. Yer blaming yerself for something someone else did _to_ you. You couldn't control it," Shinji's voice was still soft.

"How do you know? How can you be sure? You're not even human! You don't understand what it's like! I had everything in the world, and it was just gone and he…he crushed everything that was left!" he was panting with the exertion of his tirade. "I thought… I thought the Fullbringers would help, you know. And it did, for a little while. I could forget and focus on them and what they were doing, and learning to control this new power I had, but then _they_ took it from me. Again, it was taken away and I know Rukia gave me back my Shinigami powers, but it doesn't help that they stripped me of power _again_. And I let it happen again because I didn't see them for what they were!"

Shinji moved closer still as he talked softly to him. "You've got to stop this. You aren't at fault for what that man did to you. You aren't at fault for what the Fullbringers did to you. You aren't at fault for any of this."

"But I don't believe that! I have to control everything. I have to keep track of things. I have to make sure I don't let it happen again. I have to make sure I don't let things go again. I have to!" he said, turning his eyes up and staring at Shinji's face that was much closer now.

"You have to stop, Ichigo. Yer lettin' this eat you alive," Shinji said in a very quiet voice. He leaned closer and put his arms around Ichigo and Ichigo grabbed onto him like a lifesaver.

Ichigo let go then, unable to hold back everything he was trying to hold. He just clutched Shinji and let everything out in a flood of jumbled words and thoughts. Shinji didn't try and stop him, he just held onto him and let him. Ichigo had no concept of time passing, once again, it could have been seconds or hours, he couldn't tell the difference. But Shinji's warmth, his being there, kept him grounded in the real world and his mind didn't try to disconnect from everything physical.

After what seemed like a long time, Ichigo was sitting there, clutching Shinji with his head on his shoulder, panting for breath that he couldn't get enough of. He just held onto him, not wanting to let go of the only person who had heard everything and was still there. He'd stayed there and he didn't have to. He didn't even belong in this world. For a moment, things became clear in his head, and he knew what he wanted to do. He pushed Shinji back some and stared into his eyes. Ichigo was searching for something, something there to say whether this was the right thing to do or not…

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Shinji who looked at the same time surprised but not entirely displeased at the action. Ichigo moved his hands up to his blond hair and pressed into him harder, tongue slipping out and sliding against his lips gently. Shinji moved then, grabbing hold of Ichigo's body and deepening the kiss between them immediately. Ichigo sighed out as he felt Shinji's tongue easily press his out of the way and take over the position of aggressor. They clung to each other for a while longer until they slowly parted, both panting for breath now.

Shinji chewed his lip for a second and spoke. "I didn't mean for that to happen," he whispered. "I shouldn't have…"

"You didn't," Ichigo returned. "I did."

"I don't know what to say now," Shinji said, placing his forehead against Ichigo's and reluctantly pulling his arms from around him.

"Don't say anything," Ichigo said. "There's nothing to say."

"I-I have to go back. I can't stay here longer. I've been gone too long already," Shinji said regretfully.

Ichigo nodded. "I know."

"What does this mean?" he asked as he leaned back from Ichigo.

"Nothing," Ichigo answered, looking away from him. "You should be going back."

"Ichigo, you can't just do something like that and tell me to leave," Shinji said, brows meshing.

"You have to leave," Ichigo said quietly. "That's the way it is. So, it's best if you leave before anything else happens."

Shinji didn't know what to say to that, and he just nodded and walked back out of the bedroom, leaving Ichigo staring at the wall again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Unexpected

Ichigo watched Shinji leave and immediately started to panic. What did he just do? Did he really just do that? He _kissed_ him. He pressed a hand to his chest and felt his heart pounding. And he just told him everything. For the first time, he'd said the words that had been seething in his gut. He put both hands over his face, breath hitching in his chest. What the hell was he doing?

He felt sensations he didn't know what to do with. His heart was in his throat and his face felt hot. He'd just kissed someone for the first time. And it was _Shinji_. Who was well over a hundred years older than him. He put his hand over his mouth and wondered what would happen. Shinji didn't act like he hated it.

He jumped when he heard a knock at his door. "Um, yeah?" he asked.

"Ichigo? Are you alright? Shinji left in a hurry; did something happen?" he asked.

Ichigo didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to answer that question. Something had definitely happened, but what was he supposed to tell his father? What was he supposed to _do?_ He sighed.

"I'm fine," he said in what he hoped was a sure sounding voice.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"I guess," he said, rubbing his cheeks a little because he still felt flushed.

Isshin opened the door and looked at him. "You don't look fine."

Ichigo sighed, looking away from him. "You wanted me to talk to someone. I talked to someone."

"You haven't eaten since you had lunch. Can I get you something?" Isshin asked.

"I'm not hungry," he said honestly. He had no appetite especially now. "I think I just want to go to sleep or try to anyway."

"Do you need something to help you sleep?" Isshin asked. "I can bring you a sleeping pill."

He thought about that. A sleeping pill? Would that help? He thought about it and knew that he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon at this rate.

"Maybe you should," he said slowly. He'd never taken one before but maybe it would let him sleep the whole night instead of only half of it. He didn't know, but it was worth a try.

Isshin left the room and came back in a few minutes with a pill and a glass of water. Ichigo didn't even ask what it was exactly, he just took it and drank the whole glass of water in one go. He sighed and looked at his father.

"Why are you all so persistent?" Ichigo asked, brows knitting together in a scowl.

"Because we care about you, Ichigo," Isshin told him and put a hand on his shoulder. "You need sleep, you look very tired, son."

"Yeah, I know, I haven't been sleeping well," he answered truthfully for the first time since he'd gotten home.

"I know, son," Isshin answered and Ichigo had to wonder how often he'd been awake when he got up in the middle of the night.

It didn't take long before he started to feel especially drowsy. He blinked and looked at Isshin again. "I think I'm sleepy," he said as he began to fumble with the covers.

Isshin helped him get under the covers, not bothering to change his clothes or anything. Ichigo felt strange, as though he were disconnected from his body as he slipped into sleep. Isshin patted his shoulder and pulled the cover up a little higher on him before he left the room.

 _"You can't be serious…" the voice spoke too loud and right near Ichigo's ear._

 _He was standing on the sideways buildings of his inner world again, staring straight ahead. He turned to look and saw his white copy staring at him._

 _"Shinji?" he said and shook his head. "Ya don't deserve him, and ya never will," he told Ichigo._

 _Ichigo's breath caught because he realized this wasn't real. He wasn't in his inner world; this had to be a dream. Shiro, as he called the hollow version of himself, would not say something like this to him, even in his own inner world. It was just his mind messing with him again, he knew._

 _It didn't make it any easier to deal with, though._

 _"Ya can't even make it through the night without throwing up over nothing but dreams," Shiro continued. "What do you think someone like him would want with someone like you?"_

 _"Shinji's not like that! He wouldn't fake it, I know he wouldn't!" Ichigo exclaimed._

 _"He doesn't want you. No one ever wants you. They want what you can give them; what they can take from you. You don't mean anything to them. Even Shinji." Shiro crossed his arms and his face began to morph into a familiar one that haunted Ichigo's nightmares most nights._

 _He gasped and tried to step back but found that once again he was unable to move. This was so familiar in his dreams that he didn't even think twice about it. He saw him coming closer and closer, his face on a familiar body. Ichigo pulled his arms, finding them stuck behind him and he began to panic. Suddenly, he was there, hand twining in his hair, gripping it tightly and pulling his head to the side._

 _"I get to have my fun," he said in that same voice that sent a shiver down Ichigo's spine._

 _"No, stop," he whispered, barely able to make a sound come out of his mouth._

 _Pain lanced through his head and the world began to waver around him. But this time the hand that was gripping his hair belonged to someone else. He didn't know why he knew that, but he just did. He turned to see Ogura's face had changed again, this time into Shinji, smiling at him. Ichigo's breath caught and he tried to pull away from him, but he couldn't move at all. He was frozen in place as he watched the hands slide down his body. He felt his stomach revolt in his dreamworld and without._

"No!" he gasped as he came awake, tangled in the covers for the bed.

He fought with them for a few minutes until his head began to clear enough that he realized he was in his own room and no one was there. He managed to undo the covers from his legs and arms and stumbled to the bathroom again. He dropped down to his knees and vomited nothing but bile then dry heaved for a few seconds before he got his body under control again. His head still felt fuzzy, probably from the sleeping pill. He got to his feet and used the wall to hold himself up to get back to his room. He dropped onto the bed and looked out the window to see the sun was starting to rise. He supposed it was better than normal. He had slept nearly until morning, which honestly surprised him.

He didn't feel like changing clothes, though, as he got up and walked to the door. He needed to get out of the house. He needed to get air. He had to move to shake away the fragments of that dream. His stomach nearly heaved again just thinking about it. It wasn't the first time he'd seen Ogura's face morph into someone else, but the fact it had been Shinji had set him on edge. Shinji wouldn't hurt him. Shinji wouldn't do something he didn't want him to do. Shinji would not be like him.

He stopped, realizing he was outside and looked to see the sun was almost up now. He could do this. He could be outside as long as the sun was up. It was when it went down that he struggled with being outside. He had managed last night because Shinji ended up carrying him home. Why did he do that? Why did he respond when he kissed him?

Looking up into the lightening sky, Ichigo wasn't sure of anything. He shoved his hands in his pants pockets and walked, where he didn't know. He figured at this time of day it was safe enough outside. At least in the daylight he could fake it. He kept wandering until he found himself at the Vizard warehouse. He tilted his head to the side and went it, finding no one there. He sighed and slid down the wall to sit on the floor. He had to think.

He'd kissed Shinji because he wanted to. Why would he want to do something like that? He was damaged goods already, and there was no way Shinji would want to get involved with someone like him, especially not now that he knew what had happened. There was no good reason that Shinji responded to the kiss other than he was being kissed. He didn't know; maybe he hadn't been kissed in a while. He couldn't imagine Shinji being inexperienced as old as he probably was. How old was he even? He had no idea. Talk about a massive age gap…

Ichigo shook his head. Why was he thinking about it like it could happen? Like he could actually be with Shinji. He scrubbed his hands over his face and then dropped his head back against the wall. What was he doing? He realized he left his phone at home. He was sure that might be a problem when his father got up. But right now he didn't care. He just wanted to be alone with his thoughts even though he couldn't quite figure them out.

He had no idea what to do.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Isshin got up at around eight as usual. He was hoping today that Ichigo was feeling better. He paused at his door but didn't hear anything. He should be still asleep after taking the sleeping pill he gave him. He stopped in the bathroom then headed downstairs to start something for breakfast. He wondered if he could get Ichigo to eat anything.

He looked up to see Karin and Yuzu come down the stairs. "Hello, girls. Did you hear Ichigo yet?"

"No, didn't hear him. What's going on with him?" Karin asked as she sat down at the table.

Isshin let out a sigh. "I'm not really sure right now."

"Is there something wrong with Ichi-nii?" Yuzu asked, looking between Karin and her father.

Karin glared at her. "You can't seriously say you haven't noticed?"

"Noticed what?" Yuzu asked, looking confused.

"He's thin, like sickly looking thin, and he wears that hoodie all the time, but he can't hide it in his face. And he's not eating right. Didn't you see yesterday at lunch? He threw out most of his food. He didn't know I saw him, but I did. And he didn't eat last night. Who was that guy that was here?" Karin asked, turning to her father.

Isshin tried to smile. "A friend of Ichigo's named Shinji."

"Shinji. What does he have to do with Ichigo?" Karin asked, narrowing her eyes at Isshin. "I've never seen him before."

"You haven't seen every one of Ichigo's friends. Shinji just has never visited him at home before," he told her, setting down plates for each of them.

Karin looked like she wanted to argue about it, but she didn't. They ate the rest of breakfast in silence, all waiting to see if Ichigo came down. When they were done, Isshin went upstairs while Yuzu and Karin cleared the dishes. He knocked on Ichigo's door.

"Ichigo? Son?" he called. He didn't hear anything. "If you don't answer, I'm coming in," he said, and glanced down to see Karin watching him.

When there was still no answer, he opened the door and found he wasn't there. He looked and saw his phone on the desk. He shut the door and went down to find his shoes were gone. Where had he gone? When did he leave? That sleeping pill should have put him out for eight hours at least.

"Where is he?" Karin asked, coming up behind Isshin.

"Um, I'm not sure, but I can find out," Isshin said going in the kitchen to dial Kisuke again.

"Kurosaki-san, a call so soon?" he asked when he picked up.

"He's gone, Kisuke. He talked to Shinji last night, and this morning, he's just gone. He didn't take his phone," he said hurriedly.

"Oh, my, I'll see what I can do. I'll send Yoruichi out and contact Shinji again. Do you know what happened?"

"I don't know," Isshin said frowning. "Shinji looked…I don't know, out of sorts when he left last night, and seemed to be in a hurry to get back."

"He probably had to get back since it was late. He probably couldn't remain any longer since he'd been here since morning. He didn't say anything to me when he dropped off his Gigai," Kisuke said thoughtfully.

"I don't want anything to happen to him. I think he talked to Shinji about…well, about everything. He told he he'd talked to him and he looked like he'd been crying when I went in to see him. He said he wasn't going to be able to sleep, so I gave him a sleeping pill to help." Isshin sighed. "I should have kept an eye on him after that."

"No, you couldn't determine what he might do. I'll see if we can't find him. I can think of a few places he might go," Kisuke said. "I'll call you if I find anything out," he told Isshin and hung up.

"Who was that?" Karin asked.

"Urahara," he said and put the phone down. "He's going to see what he can find out. Until then, we just wait."

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Shinji barely listened at the meeting that morning. His mind was on what happened the night before. He couldn't get Ichigo out of his head no matter how hard he tried. He wasn't paying attention and bumped into Renji.

"Yo, Hirako-taichou." He looked at him for a minute. "You alright? You look distracted."

Shinji looked at him and swallowed. "Yeah, I am. I'm confused on what I should do about somethin' that happened."

"What happened?" Renji asked, frowning a little as people made their way around them where they'd stopped in the hallway.

Shinji didn't know if he should say anything to Renji. He couldn't tell him what Ichigo told him; that was something Ichigo obviously didn't want anyone to know. But he needed advice on how to handle the situation. He grabbed Renji by the arm and pulled him into an empty room.

"Okay, so I'll ask ya somethin'. If someone tells ya somethin' that's deeply personal and that they don't tell anyone else, and ya have a moment with 'em," he explained. "And if they end up kissin' ya, whaddaya do?"

Renji blinked and then arched a brow. "Kissing?"

"Yeah."

"Um, well, I guess it would depend on who it was, y'know. And how I felt about them," Renji said slowly.

"What if it was good, and ya really liked this person and thought, given th' chance ya'd take it," he continued.

"What's this about, taichou?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at Shinji. "This don't sound like no hypothetical."

Shinji sighed, running a hand through his hair before shaking it out of his face. "I don't wanna say anymore. I guess I should—"

He was cut off by the beeping in his kusodo. He frowned and reached in to pull out Urahara's communication device. "Urahara?" he asked, clicking the button to open the line.

"Yes, um, so there's been a complication after last night."

"I'll be there," he said, putting the device back inside his kusodo. He looked at Renji. "I have to go. Thank ya for listenin' to me," he said and turned on his heel and went back out of the room, leaving Renji confused as to what just happened.

Shinji knew something had to be really wrong for Urahara to contact him again so soon. Had something happened to Ichigo after he left? He knew he shouldn't have left him alone, but he thought his father could handle anything that happened after… He knew he had to deal with it. It was his fault for responding to him when he kissed him. He went to the division and told his fuku-taichou that he was going to be away a couple days, then went and asked the head captain. Luckily, things had been quiet around the Seireitei, and he granted him his request to spend a couple days in the World of the Living.

He appeared in front of Urahara's shoten and walked into it without pausing.

"Hirako-san," Urahara said as he came in.

"What's happened?" he asked.

"Um, well, it seems that Ichigo has disappeared this morning and Isshin isn't sure where he's gone to," he said, looking at him regretfully.

Shinji sighed, closing his eyes. "And you haven't found him yet?"

"He told you what happened, I'm guessing," Urahara said with a slight smile.

"He did," Shinji nodded. "It was hard for him, and he blames himself for everything, and then he kissed me."

Urahara blinked in surprise. "He what?" he asked, brows raised.

Shinji shifted, a little uncomfortable talking about it. "He kissed me. I let him and might have gone along with it."

"Well, that does put a different spin on things," he muttered. "Do you have any idea where he might go? Yoruichi is looking but hasn't had any luck."

"Maybe. Let me get my Gigai and go see if he's there," he said softly, walking to the back of the shop.

He left a few minutes later, heading toward the Vizard warehouse. If he was thinking about things, maybe he would go there.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo almost didn't hear the sound of someone else entering the warehouse. He wondered if someone had found him after all. It had gotten late; it was after noon by now. He closed his eyes and heard someone walking toward him.

"Just leave me alone," he said, hoping whoever it was would get the hint.

"I won't do that," came Shinji's familiar voice.

He opened his eyes and saw Shinji standing over him, hands in his pockets. "Please, I'm fine. Just leave me alone."

Shinji crouched beside him and sighed. "Y'know, yer worrying people."

"They shouldn't worry about me," he said and looked away from him.

"Ichigo, listen. About last night—" Shinji started.

"Don't worry about it." Ichigo still wouldn't look at him. "It was a moment. I won't do it again."

Shinji cocked his head to the side and looked at Ichigo for a while before he spoke again. "You think I didn't want ya to do it."

"I didn't ask, and I should have. But I was afraid you'd say no." Ichigo still wouldn't look at him.

After a second, Shinji reached out and grabbed Ichigo by the chin and turned his face toward him. "Why won't ya look at me?"

Ichigo's eyes were slightly wide. "I just… for a minute… I thought I could have something."

"Who says you can't have something?" Shinji asked, keeping his eyes on Ichigo's.

"You know what happened. Why would anyone want anything to do with me? After all that and now…" he trailed off.

"What is it now, Ichigo?" Shinji asked, wanting to hear it from Ichigo himself.

Ichigo swallowed, and Shinji could feel his throat working under his fingers where they held gently to his chin. "With the food and exercising thing," he said quietly.

Shinji sighed. "Why?"

"I can't be out of shape again!" he said, shaking his head and pulling away from Shinji's light grip. "If I had taken better care of myself it would have never happened!"

"But yer not taking care of yerself like this. Yer not eating enough to feed anyone, anyone can see that. And yer overdoing it in the gym. That's not going to help you; it will only make it worse," Shinji said in response.

"How do you even know? You aren't human!" Ichigo snapped, turning away again. He didn't want Shinji to see how upset he actually was.

"But I've been living in the human world for long enough to know what they need. And even I can see that ya've lost weight and look poor," Shinji tried, letting his hands hang down between his knees.

"You don't understand." Ichigo put a hand to his head and tried to think of any way to explain this to Shinji, but every explanation fell flat.

"Make me understand," Shinji countered.

He turned back to him and sighed. "I had gained weight before… before The Incident. And it was all because of that."

"Ichigo, what would you have done otherwise? You told me they had a gun and you were surprised," he said, trying to be gentle.

"I don't know! I made it better! So I could fight when I met up with Kugo and Xcution! I had to work at it really hard to get back down, but it's not enough. I have to keep going! I have to keep control over it," he said and ran a hand through his hair.

"That's it, isn't it, Ichigo?" Shinji said after a second. "You have to be in control of something. Ya picked controlling what you eat and what you do to yer body. Because that man took control away from you."

"No, that's not… I mean, I do have to control things, otherwise I… I…" he started, putting both hands in the hair at his temples and gripping it tightly.

Shinji moved then, putting a hand on Ichigo's shoulder. Ichigo didn't move, just sat there, staring ahead now. "Ichigo, please, stop and think about it. Yer destroying yerself at this rate and I can't stand to see that happen."

"Why?" Ichigo said, turning to him sharply. "Why do you even care?"

"Ichigo," Shinji started, not knowing what to say. "I care about you, that's why. I just do. I always have."

Ichigo stared at him for a minute in silence. "Is that why you let me kiss you?" he whispered finally.

Shinji's brows relaxed and he sighed. "Ichigo, that was a mistake. You were vulnerable, and I never should have—"

"You can't take it back!" he snapped.

Shinji looked at him, a little surprised at how strongly he said it. "I-I… But I'm much older than you, Ichigo, I'm not someone that you can have that kind of relationship with. It would be wrong of me to do anything."

"But you want to?" Ichigo asked, his voice softer now, eyes wide and pleading with him.

Shinji swallowed and gave him a slight smile. "You've always been special, Ichigo. That includes to me."

"So, you don't care? About what happened? And how messed up I am?" he asked, again, pleading with Shinji to answer him.

"Why would I care about those things? Just because something horrible happened to you, and yer dealin' with it the best ya can. Ya just need help, that's all." Shinji squeezed his shoulder again.

"But… But what if I want you to help me?" he asked, eyes roving Shinji's face for any trace of what he was feeling.

"Ah, don't go there, Ichigo. I can't guarantee I'll be able to control myself if ya keep this up," Shinji whispered hoarsely. "I don't want to take advantage of—"

"Stop!" Ichigo said and turned to shove him backward to the floor. He scrambled over him and straddled his hips, holding his arms down. "Just stop!"

Shinji stared up at him, letting Ichigo pin his arms down above his head. His breath was getting faster in his chest and he could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He winced a little because he could feel his body reacting to Ichigo's closeness. What's more, he could feel Ichigo against his stomach. All his mental blocks were being carefully pushed away, and he felt like he was going to come undone at this rate.

"Ichigo…" Shinji said slowly. "You should let me go. I should leave."

"No!" he said, tightening his grip on Shinji's arms. "I don't want that! I don't want you to go! I want you to stay!" he said and Ichigo felt the tears come to his eyes now.

"I don't think ya realize what yer doin'," Shinji whispered, trying to school his own reactions desperately. It wasn't working.

"I know what I'm doing! I know what I want! Why can't anyone just understand that I'm not a child! I'm more grown up than most the people I go to school with! They haven't been through what I have! They haven't helped save Soul Society! They haven't been stripped of their power and left lonely and afraid! They haven't been shot and raped in an alley!" He was nearly yelling as tears fell from his eyes onto Shinji's face and neck.

Ichigo knew that he wanted to show Shinji that he was good enough. He had to show him that he was worth his time, and he was worth him staying around. He just wanted to connect with someone, and Shinji was the one person he'd trusted with everything. Shinji had always been there trying to help him from getting himself killed. Shinji _understood_ him. And most of all, Shinji was _here_.

"I can decide what I want! I can! Just because of what happened, it doesn't mean I don't want to have anyone? Right? I can want someone, can't I? It's okay?" he begged.

"Oh, Ichigo," Shinji whispered, not moving. "It's okay. You can want these things. Just because someone hurt you, it doesn't mean you can't have things in your life like this."

Ichigo dove down then, pressing his lips against Shinji's. Shinji didn't know what to do but he couldn't help responding again. Ichigo leaned down into him, letting go of his arms finally, grabbing to his shoulders. Shinji wrapped both arms around his body, pulling him flat against him as he probed his mouth with his tongue. He found Ichigo was still crying but he was desperately seeking contact with him. He felt Ichigo reacting against him as his own body came to life as well. He slid his hand down and caressed Ichigo's back, sliding down over the swell of his ass. Ichigo ground down harder into him, leaning against his hardness.

The kiss broke and Ichigo was panting against Shinji's shoulder.

"We can slow down," Shinji whispered. "I won't go anywhere, I promise, you don't have to rush."

"No!" Ichigo said, sitting up again. "Show me it can be different."

That statement struck Shinji hard and his hands flexed against Ichigo's body. "I don't want to push you…"

"You're not!" Ichigo exclaimed, sliding down between Shinji's legs and undoing his pants with shaking fingers.

Shinji rolled his eyes, still having second thoughts but then Ichigo's hand was on him and all rational thought started to fly out the window. He propped himself up on his elbows, watching as Ichigo looked up from him. He met his eyes and then went down, enveloping him in his mouth, causing Shinji's eyes to widen and a moan to escape his lips. He could only go down partway, stopping when it began to gag him, but he tried to push further until he came up, coughing.

"Be careful," Shinji said, watching him as he did it again, tongue slipping around the tip and under it, making Shinji shiver at the sensation.

Ichigo wasn't sure if he was doing things right or not, but he was going to try to do as much as he could. He wanted to show Shinji that he could do this. But he wanted more from him so he kneeled up and fumbled with his own pants, fingers still shaking. He gasped as Shinji's hands covered his, helping him with the button that wouldn't come undone.

"Ichigo, are you sure?" he asked again.

Ichigo nodded, finally pushing his pants down over his hips and leaning over to push them the rest of the way off. He went down on Shinji again with his mouth and Shinji put both hands in his hair, groaning as he continued to work his tongue around him. It had been so long since he'd felt this, he wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Ichi… I'm gonna come if ya keep that up," he said, stroking his hair.

Ichigo came up and looked at him in the eyes, his own were blown wide. He licked his lips, then leaned up nipping at Shinji's mouth. He opened for him, and his tongue was insistently probing again. Shinji reached down and gripped Ichigo, sliding his hand up and down the shaft until Ichigo was squirming against him.

"I want you to do it," Ichigo said, leaning back from their kiss.

"Ichi. I don't know if we should…" he said, feeling like he was taking something from Ichigo.

"I know what I want," Ichigo said, pausing to pull off the hoodie and shirt he was wearing, baring himself completely to Shinji.

Shinji's hands went to his ribs where he could easily count them where they stuck out from him. He frowned as he stroked a hand over the flatness of his stomach. "Oh, Ichigo," he said softly. Ichigo shook his head, fingers going to the buttons on Shinji's shirt. Shinji had to take over because he was still shaking. Ichigo didn't bother to remove his tie, he just tossed it off to the side and clutched him to his chest, whining because he was trapped between them. Shinji laid back again, pulling Ichigo with him to the floor once more.

"I've done stuff already," he whispered in Shinji's ear.

Shinji felt heat rush through him at that. "You have?"

"Uh huh," he whispered. "Sometimes, after the nightmares. I don't know why. Is it wrong?" he asked, again gripping Shinji's body a little tighter.

"Nah, it ain't wrong," Shinji answered, sliding hands down his sides and up his back. "Ain't wrong at all."

"I'm gonna go ahead," Ichigo said, sitting up and sliding up on him a little way. "Unless you don't want to."

"Oh, don't ask me that," Shinji muttered, as Ichigo gripped him again, stroking him softly. "I can't tell you no right now," he said as he watched Ichigo slip one hand underneath him. He apparently had done that a few times, he thought as he worked fingers into himself.

When he seemed to think he'd prepared enough, he moved up and hovered over him for a second before he pressed down, sliding slowly until he was sitting flat on Shinji's legs. His face was pinched in apparent discomfort.

"Are you okay?" Shinji asked.

"Uh huh," he breathed out. Then he started to move at a pace that seemed to satisfy him.

Shinji couldn't do much except hold on, Ichigo's body squeezing him tightly. He held to Ichigo's too thin hips, feeling keenly his hipbones under his hands. He let Ichigo control it, moving how he wanted to move. The slow pace was a bit maddening, but he could take it. Ichigo kept it up until he seemed to find his own prostate. He let out a whimper and stilled for a second. He shook his head.

"I can't keep this up," he said breathlessly.

"Here," Shinji said, sitting up and wrapping his arm around him as he tipped Ichigo to his back.

Ichigo clutched him, sucking at every spot of flesh he could get his lips on as Shinji took over, thrusting into him slowly at first until he was whining again. Shinji knew he was in the right position to stroke his prostate just right as he sped up, slipping his hand between them and grabbing Ichigo firmly. Ichigo's head fell back with a thud and he let out a rather loud moan that sent shivers down Shinji's spine.

"Hey, come when you can," Shinji whispered. "I won't be far behind you."

Ichigo only let out a deep moan in response as Shinji's hand stroked him in rhymical time to his deep thrusts down into him. Ichigo felt the onrushing feeling come at him, fast and stronger than ever before. He tried to be quiet but the sounds that escaped him wouldn't be contained as he felt Shinji filling his body again and again. He reached up, grabbing his face and pulling him down into another kiss, making him slow somewhat as their tongues met. Ichigo couldn't hold off any longer, and he let out a long, drawn-out moan as he came between them.

Shinji growled under his breath, nearly unable to hold off as Ichigo tightened around him. He gasped out as he thrust into him a couple more times before he met his completion. He thrust shallowly into him a couple more times before he pulled out and then pulled Ichigo up into his arms. He rocked him and felt dampness on his arm.

"Ichigo?" he asked, concerned.

"No, it's okay," he said, sniffing a little and turning his face toward him before nuzzling into his neck. "It was good, really good," he said quietly, tightening his hold on Shinji even more.


	4. Chapter 4

"You found him?" Isshin said into the phone.

"Shinji did. He'd gone to the Vizard warehouse," Kisuke answered. "They're both here now."

Isshin let out a deep sigh. That was good, he thought. At least Shinji had found him. He had to wonder why it had taken them so long, though. It was almost mid afternoon by now. "Is Ichigo alright?"

Kisuke paused, perhaps a bit too long, making Isshin wonder why. "Ah, I think he's just fine. He said to tell you he'll be home before dinner."

"Oh." Isshin frowned. "He did, did he?"

"Yes, but he is fine. I'll make sure he'll gets home," Kisuke said.

"Alright. I'll see him then," he said and hung up.

Isshin thought about it a few minutes. Maybe he should go to him and see what was going on. If he'd opened up to Shinji, that was a good sign. However, he couldn't just leave him there after he ran off without telling anyone this morning. He needed to know he worried them, and that there were consequences to his actions. No, he'd go to the shoten and see Ichigo now. He got up and headed out immediately.

He got to the shoten and found Kisuke outside.

"Oh, Kurosaki-san," he said as he approached. "I wasn't expecting you."

"I thought you'd be with Ichigo," Isshin said, frowning at him.

"Ah, yes, he's with Shinji at the moment," he said, looking a bit odd at the statement.

Isshin looked at him for a minute. "What's going on?" he asked, pushing past Kisuke to go inside.

"Ah, you may not want to do that…" Kisuke said as he followed him.

Isshin was more curious now than he had been as he went in the back of the shoten and pushed open the first door where he heard voices. He stopped and stared because his son was indeed with Shinji. However, he didn't expect to see his son _kissing_ Shinji. Ichigo heard the door open and turned around, eyes wide.

"Pop!" he said.

Isshin saw the look on Shinji's face as one that was definitely shocked into silence. "What? What's going on here?"

"You weren't supposed to come here. I told Urahara I'd be home later!" Ichigo said, balling his fists at his sides.

"I came here because I was worried after you took off without telling anyone again," Isshin said, narrowing his eyes at Shinji before looking back at Ichigo. "And now I find this out?"

"Don't blame him!" Ichigo said, following his glance at Shinji, who looked more than a little uncomfortable in the middle of everything.

"I trusted him to try and help you, not attempt to…to…" he trailed off, not sure how to finish that thought without sounding crass.

"This isn't his fault!" Ichigo exclaimed, staring at Isshin. "This is my decision."

"Your decision? Ichigo, right now, you aren't making good decisions. You have to understand that. You haven't been taking care of yourself, and now _this."_ Isshin glared at Shinji, who dropped his gaze to his hands.

"Look, I'll go back—" Shinji started.

"No!" Ichigo snapped, turning toward him with a furious look, enough to make Shinji flinch back. "You're not going anywhere! I want you here."

"Son, please. This isn't something you want to do, not at your age. You're far too young to get involved with someone like Shinji," Isshin said, staring at him and trying to avoid looking at Shinji who he blamed entirely for the current situation. He'd trusted Shinji to help, not hurt, his son.

"Too young?" Ichigo frowned. "How can _you_ tell me that?"

"Shinji is more than a hundred years older than you, and that's just the time he's been in the World of the Living. You can't seriously think you can carry on something with someone like him," Isshin tried to make him see sense in the situation.

"How old were you when you met mom?" Ichigo asked.

"That's different," Isshin started.

"No, it's not!" Ichigo told him, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's not different at all! You came to the World of the Living and got involved with a human and that's why I'm even here!"

"Son, what happened between me and you mother, that wasn't the same thing. There are rules, you're only eighteen," Isshin said.

"Yeah, I'm only eighteen! And you can't do anything about it. What are you going to do about it? Report to the human police that I'm seeing a Shinigami? I don't think they're going to believe you!" Ichigo spoke with a venomous edge to his voice.

Isshin didn't know what to say for a minute. "Son, really, this isn't something you can do. Shinji is a captain, he can't have entanglements with the human world like this."

"Well, that's up to him, now isn't it? Him and me!" Ichigo said. "I'm old enough to make my own choices, and you can't stop me."

"Ichigo! You have to see reason! You're just confused, that's all. And Shinji should know better than to get involved with you right now in your condition—"

"My condition?" he said flatly. "What is my condition?"

"Son, you know what you're doing to yourself already. You know I've seen it. You need help and getting into a relationship with someone isn't the way to do that!" Isshin sighed.

Ichigo's brows arched into his hair. "This thing with Shinji has nothing to do with that. That's a totally different issue."

"It all has to do with that! You have to acknowledge what's wrong to get help for it, son. You're avoiding dealing with it by using Shinji—"

"Don't start!" Ichigo cut him off. "I'm not using Shinji!"

"You are! You're avoiding what's wrong and it isn't healthy!" Isshin retorted.

Ichigo's face twisted into one of anger as he reached out and snatched Shinji by the hand, pulling him to his feet. "Take me to Soul Society."

"Ah, Ichigo, I don't know that that's such a good idea right now…" Shinji started out.

Ichigo turned and glared at him. "Are you going to treat me like a child, too, now?"

"Ichigo, you shouldn't go off like this! You're just running from what's wrong, and it's not going to end well! You don't even know what you're doing!" Isshin tried again. He had to get him to see some reason or something.

"I'll go where I want, when I want," Ichigo glared at Isshin. "The only thing I'm running from is being treated like a grade schooler by a father I _thought_ would be understanding of something like this. Obviously, I was wrong."

Isshin had no idea what to say that would fix this. "I forbid it! You are going to stay here, Ichigo, I'm telling you if you don't—"

"If I don't, what are you going to do, huh?" Ichigo asked, narrowing his eyes at him. "I'm not your property! I don't have to be here with you; I have other options, and you can't stand that! You just want to control me!"

"Ichigo! That's not what this is about!" Isshin tried, truly at a loss for what he could say to change his son's mind.

"Of course, it is! Everyone wants to tell me what I can and can't do! It's my life, and I get to decide what I do with it! No one's ever given me a choice before! What do you care? You're the one that let me go off and become a Shinigami knowing that the process could kill me!"

"Son, that's different!"

"How is this different? I'm not running off to Hueco Mundo where I actually did die for a while. You didn't even intervene then, and you knew the entire time! You just let me!" Ichigo was nearly shouting now.

Isshin swallowed because he had no real response to that. "I wouldn't have been able to stop you if I tried!"

"What makes you think you can stop me now that I'm three years older?" Ichigo returned, squeezing Shinji's hand where he held it now. "I can put my life in dangers, but the minute I want to have a meaningful relationship with another person, you try to put a stop to it!"

"That's not why!" Isshin tried again.

"Then what is it?" Ichigo snapped back, clutching Shinji's hand beside him.

"Ichigo, please, just listen to your father, he's right, this is a lot for you to—" Shinji began.

"Don't." Ichigo turned to him. "You're taking me to Soul Society. Now."

"Please, Ichigo, think about this. You need to calm down and you'll see things a little clearer. Right now, you're agitated and it's coloring how you see things," Isshin told him, hoping that trying to calm him down would help.

"Calm down?" Ichigo arched a brow at him. "You want _me_ to calm down?"

"Son, please. This isn't any good for you. You have to listen to reason."

"Reason? What reason? You are still just telling me what to do! No one is going to control me anymore! I'm the one that controls my life now, whether you like it or not!" Ichigo pulled Shinji by the arm and pushed past Isshin.

Isshin turned around and tried to stop him. Ichigo threw off his hand and kept going. He pulled out his badge and stepped out of his body. "Get out of your Gigai," he told Shinji.

"Ichigo, I'm not sure that this is the best idea…" Shinji tried, pulling the soul candy dispense from his pocket.

"I want to go to Soul Society. If you don't take me, I'm going to leave and go somewhere where no one knows how to find me this time!" he said, glaring at his father who was standing staring at him

"Son, rethink this. You're upset. Just settle down and we'll discuss this. Shinji can go back to Soul Society, and you can come home. We can sit down at the table and you can tell me anything you want to tell me, and I'll listen. I promise," Isshin pleaded with him.

"I will not 'settle down'. I'm done talking to you." He turned to Shinji who had just stepped out of his Gigai and laid it down. "Let's go."

Shinji looked at Isshin and then back to Ichigo. "Alright, I'll take us across."

He opened the senkaimon and Ichigo stormed into it, dragging Shinji along with him, leaving Isshin staring after them. When it closed, Isshin turned to Kisuke.

"What do I do?" he asked.

"There's nothing to do but wait," Kisuke said with a sad smile. "Let him cool off. He's trying so desperately to control his own life and he's never felt more out of control than he is right now. Shinji won't let anything happen to him."

"How can you say that? Shinji let this happen!" Isshin snapped.

"Ichigo was the aggressor. Shinji did what he could to put him off, but it seems in the end his heart won out with the affection he's always had for Ichigo," Kisuke told him.

"How do I begin to be okay with this?" Isshin asked, shaking his head.

"I seem to remember another Shinigami giving everything up for a human woman not that long ago," Kisuke pointed out. "He's not wrong about that."

"But that's different. That was me and his mother," Isshin sighed. "Masaki was different."

"And so is Ichigo. Don't tell me your time in the World of the Living has colored your thinking about love so much?" Kisuke said as he looked at him seriously.

"But love?" Isshin said out loud. "It can't be love."

"Why not?" Kisuke asked. "He's young, yes, but he's lived more in the last three years than most humans do in their whole lives. Young people love. Let him. Even if it's for a month, let him have the pleasures of loving someone with his whole heart, because you know that's the only way that boy knows how to love."

"But if Shinji hurts him…" Isshin had a dangerous tone to his voice.

"He won't." Kisuke was sure of that.

"But if he does…"

"Then I'm sure you'll have reason to put Engetsu to use," Kisuke said with a slight smile.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

"Ichigo, I don't know if this is the right thing to do. Your father was pretty upset…" Shinji said as they emerged in Soul Society.

"Let him be upset." Ichigo still had a hold of Shinji's hand as they stood there getting some interesting looks as other Shinigami walked by where they were.

"Come on, I have to go to the division. Ya can come with me," Shinji said with a sigh.

They headed to the fifth division. Ichigo followed along with him and eventually they were in his office. He looked through paperwork as Ichigo stood beside his desk.

"You can sit down," Shinji said. "I'm sure ya could use a minute to rest after that."

"Pfft," Ichigo said and flopped into a chair nearby.

"You know, yer father is trying to do what's best for you. He has every right to be surprised by what's happened lately," Shinji reminded him.

"I know. I'm just frustrated," Ichigo admitted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"That's obvious," Shinji commented as he looked over at him. "What made ya wanna come to Soul Society so bad?"

"I just wanted to get out of the World of the Living," he answered. "I needed to get away from everything there for a little while."

"You know, this ain't gonna be easy," Shinji told him. "Not sure you realize what yer getting' yerself into."

"I told him, and I'll tell you, I've made up my mind. I don't do _those_ things with just anyone," he said, a light blush coming across his cheeks.

"Somehow I doubt I'd have gotten out of the World of the Living if your father knew about that," he muttered as he recalled the look on Isshin's face at catching Ichigo kissing him.

"It's not his business what I do." Ichigo sighed sharply and crossed his arms over his chest.

There was a knock at the door and Shinji shouted to enter. It opened and it was Momo. "Hinamori-fukutaichou," Shinji said as she came in.

"Um, sorry, I didn't know you had a guest. I had heard you returned to Soul Society, and there were a few things I needed to discuss with you…" she started.

"Alright. Ichigo, why don't ya go see if you can find Abarai or Kuchiki. I'm sure they'll want to see you since you're in Soul Society. I'll come find you when I'm done here," Shinji said as he looked over at him.

Ichigo narrowed his eyes at Shinji but nodded and stood up. "Alright," he said and headed out the door.

He supposed that Shinji did have work to do. It wasn't like he was free to do what he wanted all the time. He sighed and wondered where Renji or Rukia might be. He supposed he could go to the thirteenth or the sixth and see if he could see them. He was thinking about what he wanted to do when he sensed someone approaching. He turned to see it was Renji.

"Ichigo?" Renji asked as he stopped beside him. "What are ya doin' here?" he asked, frowning. "I didn't see anyone that was supposed to bring you across."

"I came with Shinji," Ichigo explained, feeling his face heat up again. What was he supposed to say to Renji about all of this? "I kinda had a fight with my father."

"Really? What happened?" Renji asked, looking a little concerned.

"It's a long story…" Ichigo told him.

"Well, I got some time. Why don't we go sit down somewhere and talk," Renji said with a grin. "I ain't as good as Rukia at listening to stuff, but I can try."

"Yeah," Ichigo said with a sigh as Renji led them toward a ramen place that he'd been to before.

"You gonna get anything?" Renji asked as he ordered himself something.

"Nah, I'm fine," he said with a slight smile. Even here, he couldn't bring himself to eat. He nearly laughed at the absurdity of it all.

They sat down at a table, and the rest of the place was quiet and not very busy. "So, what happened?"

"Well, things have been hard for me lately," he began, looking down at his hands. "Something bad happened a while back that I never got over, really. Or I guess ever dealt with…"

Renji looked at him curiously. "What happened?"

"Th-that's not the point. What happened doesn't matter," he said quickly, trying to divert Renji's attention from that subject. "What happened recently was I found someone to talk to, like my dad has been trying to get me to do for a while. One thing led to another, and we ended up getting together."

"Getting together?" Renji echoed, looking a bit confused. "Like how?"

"Like, _together_ together. You know," he felt like his face was burning just from saying it like that.

Renji arched brow. "Oh. Oh! You mean _together._ "

"Yeah, and well my dad doesn't like it because of who it is," Ichigo admitted.

"Who is it?" Renji asked, obviously already curious.

Ichigo looked at him, wondering what kind of judgement he was going to face for this. He didn't even know how people in Soul Society felt about same sex couples. He was relatively sure Yumichika and Ikkaku were a thing, but he had no proof of that.

"Shinji," he said almost too softly to be heard.

Renji stared at him for a second in disbelief. "Hirako-taichou?"

Ichigo just nodded, still staring at his hands. He couldn't look at Renji. He was afraid of what his face would show him.

"Hold on, so you're telling me, you got _together_ with Hirako-taichou. The head of the fifth division. And you and him…what exactly?" Renji asked, voice a little shaky at the words he was saying.

Ichigo felt his face flush now even though he was trying desperately not to show his embarrassment at the subject.

"No! Seriously?" Renji gasped out. Ichigo put both hand over his face and nodded into them. "Ichigo! You… but he's a captain! And you're a human!"

"I can't help it! It just happened! And I wanted it to happen, and he wanted it to happen, but my father didn't understand," Ichigo stated, putting his hands down in his lap to look up at Renji now.

"Ichigo…you can just do something like that," Renji said softly. "He's a captain!"

Ichigo frowned. "What's that mean? He's just a normal person. Well, Shinigami."

"But Ichigo, he can't be messing around with some human in the World of the Living. He's got to do his duties here in Soul Society. There are rules about this sort of thing!" Renji told him.

"Rules? Why should I care about rules? When have I _ever_ cared what the rules were?" Ichigo asked, narrowing his eyes at Renji. "And I'm not just some human. I've saved Soul Society and I'm a Shinigami too!"

"But that's different! What in the world can you possibly see in Hirako-taichou anyway?" he asked.

Ichigo looked away from him and snorted. "Obviously, I was wrong about you understanding."

Renji sighed. "I'm trying to, really. It's just so far out there, I can't even see it ever working out in a good way at all!"

"It'll work out just fine!" Ichigo snapped.

"Ichigo, you don't understand how serious this could be!" Renji tried.

"I can tell it's pretty damn serious, thank you," Ichigo grumbled, crossing his arms angrily over his chest.

"You don't even live in Soul Society! Can't you just say it's a one off?" Renji asked, trying to keep his voice down.

"It wasn't a one off. It meant more than that!" Ichigo retorted.

"There's no way that a taichou is going to stay involved with someone that's not even here!" Renji sighed.

"Well, there's more between me and Shinji than you know, that's all there is to it," Ichigo frowned, still crossing his arms over his chest in a huff.

"So much you never mentioned it before?" Renji sat back in his chair and looked at Ichigo for a long time.

Ichigo huffed again. "It's more complicated than that."

"Then explain it to me," Renji told him, completely having forgotten about the food he'd ordered until it was sat down in front of him. He nodded to the server and turned his attention back to Ichigo immediately. "Just explain it."

"He's been there when no one else was. None of you ever came to see how I was while I was without my power, and things happened," Ichigo tried to explain.

"What sort of things?" Renji managed to start eating his meal while he was listening to Ichigo.

"It doesn't matter what things!" Ichigo snapped, turning away again. "Just things that weren't good and none of you ever cared to find out."

"There was nothing we could have done," Renji started to say but Ichigo waved a hand at him to dismiss it.

"You could have asked. You could have come get a Gigai and visited. Maybe things wouldn't have gone the way they did if you had, I don't know," Ichigo didn't quite look at him while he spoke.

"I don't follow you. I don't understand what happened that was so bad for you. You were fine when we gave you your power back, and you've been fine ever since," he stated.

"Fine?" Ichigo asked. "Yeah, I've been great. Just _fine_."

"I can't understand you if you keep avoiding answering me," Renji said, pushing his dish back away from him and looking at Ichigo.

Ichigo leaned forward and met Renji's eyes. "I wasn't fine. I haven't been fine. I'm still not fine. Not that any of you would know that."

Renji's eyes widened a bit. "Well, you never said anything, so how were we to know?"

"I don't know, you're supposed to be my friends, aren't you?" Ichigo snorted and leaned back again. "Maybe if you had come by to see how things were."

"But that still doesn't explain Hirako-taichou and you getting involved all of a sudden. He wasn't there either! He's been here until he recently took a trip back…" Renji stopped, the conversation he'd had with Shinji recently coming to mind. "He was talking about you."

"What?" Ichigo asked.

"Hirako-taichou, he was distracted, and I asked what was going on. He said something about kissing someone. That was you," Renji explained slowly. "Given the chance, he'd take it," he mumbled almost too low for Ichigo to hear.

"I don't get what you're on about now," Ichigo said and glared across the table at him.

"Just what did you tell him, anyway?" Renji asked, and it was obvious that he was getting a little bit frustrated with the direction the conversation was turning.

"It doesn't matter what I told him," Ichigo growled. "That's not the point!"

"Well, you told him something that you won't tell the rest of us! How do you expect anyone to help you if you don't tell us what you need help with?" Renji returned.

"It isn't like you bothered to ask if I was okay!" he reiterated.

Renji stared at him for a minute. "This is just going in circles. You could've gotten hold of us through Urahara anytime. Ya never did. We're Shinigami, not psychics! How are we supposed to know something's up from here?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Whatever," he muttered. "I'm going."

He stood up and swept around the table to get to the door. Renji moved to stop him, grabbing him by the arm. The reaction was sudden and violent, though. The minute he grabbed his arm, Ichigo turned around and punched him across the face rocking him back on his heels. It wasn't enough to put him down, but it wasn't a friendly punch either.

"Don't grab me," Ichigo growled and headed out of the place, leaving Renji rubbing his chin and watching him go. That was a first.

Ichigo didn't know where he was going. He just needed to get away again. He'd come to Soul Society to get away from his father, now he was trying to get away from one of his best friends. He exited the Seireitei and went out into the Rukongai. He found a place on top of a building and sat down. He didn't know what he was doing either. He was angry, and he was frustrated. He noticed a couple souls that caught sight of him and stared for a minute before moving on. He didn't care. He just wanted to think for a minute.

Was it all too sudden? He was already deciding that Shinji would stay with him and he didn't even know if that was true. He said he wasn't going anywhere, but was that just in the moment? Renji was right that it was quick. He went from not wanting to even be touched romantically to having sex with one of his previous mentors and teachers. He ran his hands through his hair. Was there something wrong with him? Shouldn't he hate the idea of sex after what happened?

"Ya must be thinkin' awful hard to not notice me," he heard behind him. He turned and saw Shinji standing there.

"I suck at that," he said, trying to smile a little.

Shinji sighed and dropped down beside him. "Renji said he upset you. He was worried about what you were going to do."

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," Ichigo grumbled and pulled his knees to his chest. "I just needed to get away. He grabbed me and I punched him. I shouldn't have done that."

"I don't think he holds it against ya," Shinji said, reaching over and sliding a hand over his knee. "But ya don't mind me, do ya?"

Ichigo shook his head, staring at Shinji's long fingered hand. "No."

"Are ya sure ya know what yer gettin' into with me, Ichigo?" Shinji asked, squeezing his knee gently with his hand.

"I know. It's too much and there's no way it'll work out. So, if you're gonna do it, do it now," Ichigo said without looking at him.

"Why do you think that's what I'm gonna say?" Shinji asked, moving his hand from Ichigo's knee to grab his hand and pull it over to him.

Ichigo turned and looked over at him. Shinji was staring at him with wide brown eyes. "Because Renji was right. You're a captain. I can't expect you to be able to take time for me. I'm just a stupid human. I shouldn't expect anyone from Soul Society to do anything special for me."

Shinji sighed, turning toward Ichigo and grabbing his other hand, now clutching both of them. "You aren't just any human, Ichigo. You never have been."

"They just left when I didn't have my powers, y'know. A huge chunk of my life just ripped out of me, and no one bothered to see what happened. I was _just_ a human then. So, it felt like I wasn't worth their attention anymore." Ichigo intertwined his fingers in Shinji's. "I was only a part of who I was," he said.

"They didn't forget you; they just thought that you would be hurt if they came around. They thought it would remind you of what you lost," Shinji said, squeezing his hands again.

"But if they had come and seen me, maybe I wouldn't have felt the way I did, and maybe I wouldn't have been out there that night, and maybe it wouldn't have happened…" Ichigo said, voice cracking a bit.

Shinji picked up one of Ichigo's hands and kissed his knuckles gently. "Yer tryin' to put the fault for what happened anywhere but that man that hurt you, Ichigo."

"But there had to be something that would've changed things!" he locked eyes on Shinji now.

"Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, Ichigo. Ya've gotta quit tryin' to put a reason behind what happened so hard. Yer friends couldn't do more than they did. Perhaps they should have checked in on ya more, but in the end, they did what they thought was best." Shinji sighed. "And now they're tryin' to help you with this."

"But I know what I feel, Shinji. When I think of you, of what happened, I don't feel ashamed of it, or afraid of it. I know it won't be easy, but I had hoped you'd want to try to make it work," he said, not trying to reclaim his hands from Shinji at all.

"I didn't come here to tell ya I wasn't gonna try to make things work," Shinji said, clutching Ichigo's hand again and pressing his lips to the back of it.

"You didn't?" Ichigo asked, eyes watching every move Shinji made.

"Nah, I'm willin' to make a try of it. If you are."

Ichigo nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do."

Shinji leaned in closer to him, breath close to Ichigo's mouth. "I can't be there all the time, y'know. I'll be gone a lot."

"I know. I can come here too sometimes," Ichigo whispered, breath starting to hitch a bit in his chest.

Shinji leaned in the rest of the way and pressed his lips to Ichigo's softly. Ichigo's hands let go of Shinji's and went around his neck desperately seeking contact with him. Shinji's hands slipped around and slid down to settle on Ichigo's hips. Shinji swiped his tongue over Ichigo's lips, and he opened immediately and deepened the kiss significantly. As their tongues sought each other out, Shinji's hands squeezed Ichigo's ass tightly, pulling him closer to him. After a minute, they parted, panting for breath against each other.

"Someone might see us," Ichigo whispered hoarsely.

"I don't care," Shinji responded, kissing him lightly.

"So, what's going to happen now?" Ichigo asked, looking into his eyes.

"Well, now we have to deal with the rest of the worlds," Shinji said. "I can't say what will be said. I can't tell what will occur. I'll try my best, though, to make it easiest on you."

"Renji said it was against the rules," Ichigo leaned into him, clutching his body tightly against him.

"Entanglement with a human is against all the rules. But you seem to like breaking the rules when you feel like they ain't right," Shinji pointed out, pulling Ichigo in as close to him as possible.


End file.
